“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
In today’s workplace, belonging isn’t just a feel-good concept—it’s a fundamental human need and business imperative. Yet every day, leaders and colleagues inflict invisible wounds that erode the sense of belonging that everyone craves. Often, the most damaging behaviors are the subtle ones that fly beneath the radar of awareness, creating psychological distance that can devastate morale and performance.
The Hidden Ways We Make Others Feel Insignificant
1. The Selective Listener
Picture this: During a team meeting, Jordan shares an idea that receives no acknowledgment. Twenty minutes later, Alex presents essentially the same concept, and the boss enthusiastically responds, “That’s brilliant!” Jordan sinks into their chair, invisible and invalidated.
Later, when Jordan mentions the oversight to their manager, instead of acknowledging the mistake with “I didn’t realize you worked on that,” the response is a dismissive, “There are a lot of people on the project. I just mentioned the leads.” The subtext is clear: Jordan’s contribution wasn’t important enough to recognize, and the exclusion is somehow justified.
This phenomenon—where contributions are valued differently based on who delivers them—happens constantly in workplaces. Women and underrepresented groups experience this “selective hearing” at disproportionately high rates, leaving them questioning their value and place on the team.
2. The Exclusionary Default
“We’re grabbing lunch at the steakhouse to discuss the Henderson project,” the team lead announces, not considering that Priya is vegetarian and has mentioned this several times. The message is clear: accommodating her needs isn’t important enough to influence group decisions.
These “exclusionary defaults” extend beyond food choices to meeting times that ignore caregiving responsibilities, team-building activities that require physical abilities not everyone has, or inside jokes that reference cultural touchpoints not everyone shares.
3. The Competence Tax
Miguel consistently delivers excellent work, but his manager scrutinizes his projects more intensely than his colleagues’ contributions. He receives questions and must justify decisions that others don’t. This “competence tax”—where certain team members must repeatedly prove their worth while others receive the benefit of the doubt—creates an exhausting burden that erodes belonging.
4. The Information Hoarding
Critical context is shared during an impromptu hallway conversation that several remote team members never hear about. Later, they’re confused during formal discussions and appear unprepared, not because they’re incompetent but because they were inadvertently excluded from crucial information channels.
5. The Dismissive Response
When Lin expresses concern about an aggressive timeline, her manager responds, “We just need people who can handle pressure.” This dismissive response not only invalidates her legitimate concern but implies a character flaw, suggesting she doesn’t have what it takes to belong on the team.
The Devastating Impact
These subtle behaviors create what psychologists call “belonging uncertainty”—a state where individuals constantly question whether they truly fit in. This uncertainty triggers the brain’s threat response, consuming cognitive resources that could otherwise fuel creativity and problem-solving.
It’s Not Insecurity—It’s a Rational Response
A critical point often missed in discussions about workplace belonging: feeling insignificant or excluded in these situations doesn’t mean you’re overly sensitive, insecure, or lack confidence. These reactions are normal, adaptive responses to real social cues.
When skilled professionals who have succeeded in challenging environments suddenly find themselves questioning their worth after repeated exclusionary experiences, it’s not because they’ve suddenly become fragile. Rather, they’re responding to legitimate signals that create the perception that their contributions aren’t valued in this particular environment. It’s important to note that their work may actually be highly valued by the organization, but exclusionary behaviors create a disconnect between this reality and the team member’s experience.
Neuroscience research confirms that social exclusion activates the same brain regions as physical pain. The most confident, secure individual will still feel the sting when their ideas are consistently overlooked or when they’re subtly excluded from important conversations. This isn’t weakness—it’s fundamental human wiring.
Organizations further compound the damage when they frame these reactions as personal shortcomings rather than legitimate responses to problematic dynamics. When leaders say things like “you need to speak up more” or “don’t take it personally” without addressing the underlying exclusive behaviors, they place the burden of adaptation entirely on those being excluded.
Research from BetterUp found that workplace belonging leads to a 56% increase in job performance and a 50% reduction in turnover risk. Conversely, exclusion creates hidden costs: decreased engagement, increased absenteeism, and knowledge hoarding as self-protection.
Turning It Around: Creating True Belonging
For Leaders:
1. Audit Your Attention
Track who receives your focus in meetings. Whose ideas get explored? Who gets interrupted? Make a conscious effort to balance your attention and acknowledge contributions equitably. Consider implementing a “no interruption” rule or rotating who speaks first in meetings.
2. Ritualize Inclusion
Create systems that ensure everyone belongs by design, not as an afterthought. Before finalizing plans, ask: “Who might feel excluded by this decision?” Simple check-ins like “What would make this work better for you?” signal that belonging is a priority.
3. Make Recognition Routine
Establish regular practices for acknowledging contributions. This could be as simple as starting team meetings with shout-outs or creating a digital recognition board where peers can highlight each other’s work.
4. Normalize Accommodation
Frame accommodations as standard practice rather than special exceptions. “We’ll order a variety of food options” or “We’ll rotate meeting times to work with everyone’s schedule” should be the default approach, not a reluctant concession.
5. Create Multiple Feedback Channels
Not everyone feels comfortable voicing concerns in public settings. Provide multiple avenues for input—anonymous surveys, one-on-ones, written options—to ensure everyone can contribute in ways that feel safe.
For Team Members:
1. Amplify Others
When you notice a colleague being overlooked, practice amplification: “I’d like to revisit the point Sarah made earlier, which I thought was really insightful.” This creates a culture where everyone looks out for each other’s belonging.
2. Check Your Assumptions
Before organizing team activities or communication, ask yourself if your choices might unintentionally exclude anyone. A quick “Does this time/approach/venue work for everyone?” can prevent unintended exclusion.
3. Share Information Generously
Make a habit of documenting key discussions and decisions in shared spaces where everyone can access them, regardless of whether they were present.
4. Acknowledge Expertise
Actively seek out and publicly recognize the unique knowledge and skills your colleagues bring. This validates their place on the team and signals that their contributions are essential.
5. Call In (Not Out)
When you notice exclusive behaviors, address them with compassion rather than accusation: “I noticed Jamie had more to say on that topic. Should we circle back and hear those thoughts?”
The Bottom Line: Feelings Create Futures
Maya Angelou’s wisdom about the lasting impact of feelings isn’t just poetic—it’s predictive. How people feel in your presence today shapes their willingness to contribute tomorrow. Every interaction either strengthens or weakens their sense of belonging.
The most successful teams aren’t necessarily the ones with the most talent or resources—they’re the ones where everyone feels they truly belong. In these environments, people bring their full creativity, take meaningful risks, and support each other through challenges.
Creating belonging isn’t about grand gestures or perfect policies—it’s about consistent, intentional micro-behaviors that signal value and inclusion. It’s about recognizing that in every interaction, you’re answering someone’s unspoken question: “Do I matter here?”
Make sure your answer—through words, actions, and systems—is a resounding “Yes.”
